Student Gastronomy 101

Reviewing the foods that are essential to any scholarly diet

As students, we’ve all been there, $14.36 in the bank, no food in the fridge, cupboard or pantry, a rumbling stomach and no end in sight. What to you do? What do you do?! Perhaps your cooking skills are just, well… pathetic and homemade anything that take more than 20 minutes is absolutely out of the question because you need to study for your exam at 9am tomorrow and have just now cracked the spine of your textbook. Relax; you have a multitude of options. Give me a K! Give me a D!

Without even a moment of hesitation, I’d be ready to bet my 14 bucks that student would list Kraft Dinner as the number one food staple. This is the king, the epitome, the reference, the most memorable, the most disgusting, the tastiest and the most “I never eat that stuff” but you know you do food. That slim blue box has the unique capacity of instantly speaking to distant memories of your childhood and your thinning wallet simultaneously.

According to IGA’s online supermarket (http://magasin.iga.net/index_fr.html) there are currently six different versions of Kraft Dinner available, at the average bargain price of $1.39. Now let’s be honest, one person eats one box of KD, as this is not the kind of food you can make for more than one guest and even when you share, someone is sure to feel short-changed. Frugal? Maybe, but because you’re a starving student, it’s forgivable.

A function of (bread) = happiness

Another quintessential student provision is white bread. It is vital to the creation of the following “meals”: toast, grill cheeses, ham sandwiches, tomato sandwiches, chip sandwiches, whatever you have in the fridge sandwiches, French toast (when you have the budget for eggs and milk in the same week) and croutons when you’re feelin’ fancy. This sort of bread will set you back about $2.25 depending on which brand you pick and just how moelleux you like it.

Perhaps the reason we relate so much to the white bread is because it’s a symbol of all that is holy in our youth. It seems like back in the day, nobody cared about whole wheat, 50 grain, organic, stone ground to perfection breads. Our biggest concern was crusts on or off, because just that feature alone altered the entire taste of a sandwich. I would even venture to say that the cut of the sandwich (squares or triangles) is also crucial to the sandwich experience (see Ode to the Tomato Sandwich).

Teacher’s pet

Let’s not forget canned tuna. Small but unassuming, this 170g container can easily sustain a student because it’s a meal in itself, a filler for a sandwich (see above) and cat food when you have nothing else. It’s about the same price as a box of KD if you get it packed in water or less if you get it packed in oil. Add about 25 cents worth of mayo and another 25 cents of celery, salt and pepper, and low budget cookery may start to feel a bit more high class…

Top 5 tips for getting an A+ in student gastronomy

1. Always buy vegetables and fruits in season. There’s a reason why our parents only made us brussels spouts in winter. Not because they were good for us, because they were cheap! 
2. No-name brands taste the same. Admit it and stop being a brand-rat. Look deep inside and acknowledge that the pasta, mustard, ketchup, frozen whatever, really don’t taste that different from the major brands (due mostly to preservatives – mmm MSG…). 
3. Spices. Splurge on the blends like “Memories of Italy” and “Provençal Delight”. They cover up undesirable, a bit past the best-before-date, in the back of your fridge tastes and spruce up your basic staples. Monday: KD original. Tuesday: Montreal Steak House Seasoning KD. Wednesday: KD Mexicana, etc. 
4. When in doubt, buy soup. I can’t remember the last time soup wasn’t on special. Eat tomato, vegetable, chicken noodle varieties on regular nights and keep those creams-of for extravagant dining. Serve with croutons made from your stale white bread.
5. Finally, I would like to stress that desert should not be neglected because of budget constraints. Ice cream is the best dessert option. It’s pricey, about $4.00 for a 2L, depending on the brand, but there’s a limit to the budget madness. And, we all know that ice cream doesn’t judge you when you fail a test...

FYI: 3 boxes of KD, one loaf of bread, 2 cans of tuna, 3 soups for 99 cents and one bucket of ice cream leaves you with $2.16, more than enough for at least a couple Nos Compliments beers.